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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Cooking
Kill
Wife
Way
Cooks
Dresses
More quotes by Henny Youngman
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
Henny Youngman
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
Henny Youngman
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman