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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Cooks
Dresses
Cooking
Kill
Wife
Way

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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman