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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Cooks
Dresses
Cooking
Kill
Wife
Way

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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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