Quote

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Taken
Unlocked
Doesn
Wraps
Doe
Trash
Men
Puts
Car
Gift
Pay
Comedy

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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