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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Ready
Comedy
Funny
Tell
Wit
Insult
Humor

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman