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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Insult
Humor
Ready
Comedy
Funny
Tell
Wit

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Henny Youngman
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman