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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Dies
Funny
Men
Wives
Jewish
Humor
Comedy
Wife

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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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