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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Dead
Comedy
Guy
Funny
Clubs
Wanted
Played
Time
Tough
Afraid
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
Henny Youngman
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
