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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Afraid
Humor
Dead
Comedy
Guy
Funny
Clubs
Wanted
Played
Time
Tough
More quotes by Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman