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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Dead
Comedy
Guy
Funny
Clubs
Wanted
Played
Time
Tough
Afraid
Humor
More quotes by Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Henny Youngman
A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman
Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Henny Youngman
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
