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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Dead
Comedy
Guy
Clubs
Funny
Played
Wanted
Tough
Time
Afraid
Humor
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
Henny Youngman
My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman