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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Doors
Room
Humor
Hospitality
Rooms
Knocking
Comedy
Hotel
Funny
Finally
Girl
Night
Door

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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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