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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Funny
Diary
Diaries
Trip
Slow
Kept
Horse
Journey
Jockey
Humor
Jockeys

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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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