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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Trip
Slow
Kept
Horse
Journey
Jockey
Humor
Jockeys
Funny
Diary
Diaries

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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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