Quote

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Kept
Horse
Journey
Jockey
Humor
Jockeys
Funny
Diary
Diaries
Trip
Slow

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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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