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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Humor
Jockeys
Funny
Diary
Diaries
Trip
Slow
Kept
Horse
Journey
Jockey

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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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