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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Anniversary
Back
Keeps
Take
Findings
Way
Finding
Everywhere
Husband
Inspiration
Wife
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman