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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Woman
Anniversary
Years
Sarcastic
Love
Forty
Finds
Kill
Comedy
Wife
Funny

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
Henny Youngman
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman