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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Wife
Funny
Woman
Anniversary
Years
Sarcastic
Love
Forty
Finds
Kill
Comedy
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman