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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Crazy
Evils
Fermentation
Reading
Favourite
Booze
Read
Beer
Cocktails
Evil
Alcohol
Drunkenness
Book
Drinking
Alcoholics
Gave
Whiskey
Drink
Liquor
Humor
Drank
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman
