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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Crazy
Evils
Fermentation
Reading
Favourite
Booze
Beer
Cocktails
Read
Alcohol
Drunkenness
Evil
Drinking
Alcoholics
Book
Gave
Whiskey
Drink
Liquor
Humor
Drank
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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