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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Drink
Liquor
Humor
Drank
Crazy
Evils
Fermentation
Reading
Favourite
Booze
Read
Beer
Cocktails
Evil
Alcohol
Drunkenness
Book
Drinking
Alcoholics
Gave
Whiskey
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
