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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Balls
Golf
Playing
Comedy
Two
Rake
Today
Rakes
Good
Golfing
Stepped
More quotes by Henny Youngman
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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