Quote

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Today
Rakes
Good
Golfing
Stepped
Balls
Golf
Playing
Comedy
Two
Rake

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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