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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Atheism
Gave
Become
Wanted
Holidays
Holiday
Atheist

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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman