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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Holidays
Holiday
Atheist
Atheism
Gave
Become
Wanted

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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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