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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Atheist
Atheism
Gave
Become
Wanted
Holidays
Holiday

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
Henny Youngman
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
Henny Youngman
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
Henny Youngman
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman