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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Holiday
Atheist
Atheism
Gave
Become
Wanted
Holidays

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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman