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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Gave
Become
Wanted
Holidays
Holiday
Atheist
Atheism

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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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