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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Holidays
Holiday
Atheist
Atheism
Gave
Become
Wanted

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman