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Believing that all women should want to be mothers makes about as much sense as believing that all men should want to be engineers.

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner
Believe
Engineers
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More quotes by Harriet Lerner

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I'm a good example of wanting to apologize only for my precise share of a problem--as I calculate it, of course--and I expect my husband Steve to apologize for his share, also as I calculate it. Since we're not always of one mind on the math, it can lead to the theater of the absurd.
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The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don't want to.
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Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice.
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We all fear change, even as we seek it.
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Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.
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Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person.
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We will be in tune with our bodies only if we truly love and honor them. We can't be in good communication with the enemy.
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Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.
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Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.
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Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful.
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As many have observed, it is easy to tell a lie, but it is almost impossible to tell only one.
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Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.
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Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
Harriet Lerner
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Men are often (though not always) the pursuers for sex, just like women are often (though not always) the pursuers for conversation.
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Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.
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Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.
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If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first.
Harriet Lerner
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It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.
Harriet Lerner
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You can't evaluate a prospective partner if you insulate your relationship from your family and friends--and his.
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deception and 'con games' are a way of life in all species and throughout nature. Organisms that do not improve their ability to deceive - and to detect deception - are less apt to survive.
Harriet Lerner