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Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.
Harriet Lerner
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Harriet Lerner
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More quotes by Harriet Lerner
Differences don’t just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us.
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Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.
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Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.
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Men are often (though not always) the pursuers for sex, just like women are often (though not always) the pursuers for conversation.
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The bolder and more courageous you are, the more you will learn about yourself.
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You can't evaluate a prospective partner if you insulate your relationship from your family and friends--and his.
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Wherever you find a wife and mother-in-law slugging it out, you'll find a son who's not speaking up to either his mother or his wife.
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If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics.
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As many have observed, it is easy to tell a lie, but it is almost impossible to tell only one.
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Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.
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No book or expert can protect us from the range of painful emotions that make us human.
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Every time I open Facebook, I see a post with something like, We must forgive or be prisoners of our own bitterness and hate. People think that forgiveness is all-or-nothing, but this myth hurts people. You can forgive 10, 97, or 14 percent. Forgiveness is complicated.
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If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first.
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the body, seeking truth, sends a signal. But decoding it, interpreting its meaning, and knowing how to proceed from there is another matter entirely.
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Silence can pose a greater threat than the difficult truth.
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Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.
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If what we are doing with our anger is not achieving the desired result, it would seem logical to try something different.
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Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice.
Harriet Lerner
Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
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Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.
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