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The first world we find ourselves in is a family that is not of our choosing.

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner
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More quotes by Harriet Lerner

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Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.
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Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person.
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Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.
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Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.
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It's a cliché, but also a deep truth (as cliché's tend to be), that you can't love another person very well if you don't love yourself.
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Wherever you find a wife and mother-in-law slugging it out, you'll find a son who's not speaking up to either his mother or his wife.
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What initially attracts us and what later becomes 'the problem' are usually one and the same.
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We will be in tune with our bodies only if we truly love and honor them. We can't be in good communication with the enemy.
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If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics.
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The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don't want to.
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Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.
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Relationships are most likely to fail when we don't address problems or hold our partner accountable for unfair or irresponsible behavior ... the ability to clarify our values, beliefs, and life goals--and then to keep our behavior congruent with them--is at the heart of a solid marriage.
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There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. There is no adequate apology for the ongoing horrific legacy of racism.
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Differences don’t just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us.
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If what we are doing with our anger is not achieving the desired result, it would seem logical to try something different.
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Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
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It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.
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Self-help books for women are part of a multibillion-dollar industry, sensitively attuned to our insecurities and our purses.
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the body, seeking truth, sends a signal. But decoding it, interpreting its meaning, and knowing how to proceed from there is another matter entirely.
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Often when someone apologizes - like a parent who says to a child, I'm very sorry I neglected you when you were a kid - they also ask, Do you forgive me?, because they want the other person to be over it. However, healing can take a great deal of time. And if we forgive too quickly, we cut the process short.
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