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Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self.

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner
Relationship
Problem
Self
Many
Occur
Anger
Choose
Problems

More quotes by Harriet Lerner

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deception and 'con games' are a way of life in all species and throughout nature. Organisms that do not improve their ability to deceive - and to detect deception - are less apt to survive.
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We will be in tune with our bodies only if we truly love and honor them. We can't be in good communication with the enemy.
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Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.
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Every time I open Facebook, I see a post with something like, We must forgive or be prisoners of our own bitterness and hate. People think that forgiveness is all-or-nothing, but this myth hurts people. You can forgive 10, 97, or 14 percent. Forgiveness is complicated.
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If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first.
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There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. There is no adequate apology for the ongoing horrific legacy of racism.
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The first world we find ourselves in is a family that is not of our choosing.
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The bolder and more courageous you are, the more you will learn about yourself.
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Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice.
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Although it's not useful to drown in despair, it's also not useful to keep a 'positive attitude' when this means concealing or denying real emotions.
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the body, seeking truth, sends a signal. But decoding it, interpreting its meaning, and knowing how to proceed from there is another matter entirely.
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Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness.
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Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.
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Believing that all women should want to be mothers makes about as much sense as believing that all men should want to be engineers.
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Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.
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Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
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Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
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What initially attracts us and what later becomes 'the problem' are usually one and the same.
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Differences don’t just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us.
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If what we are doing with our anger is not achieving the desired result, it would seem logical to try something different.
Harriet Lerner