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If what we are doing with our anger is not achieving the desired result, it would seem logical to try something different.

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner
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More quotes by Harriet Lerner

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Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.
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Self-help books for women are part of a multibillion-dollar industry, sensitively attuned to our insecurities and our purses.
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If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics.
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It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.
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There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. There is no adequate apology for the ongoing horrific legacy of racism.
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Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
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The first world we find ourselves in is a family that is not of our choosing.
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Although it's not useful to drown in despair, it's also not useful to keep a 'positive attitude' when this means concealing or denying real emotions.
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Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.
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Believing that all women should want to be mothers makes about as much sense as believing that all men should want to be engineers.
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The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them.
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I'm a good example of wanting to apologize only for my precise share of a problem--as I calculate it, of course--and I expect my husband Steve to apologize for his share, also as I calculate it. Since we're not always of one mind on the math, it can lead to the theater of the absurd.
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It's a cliché, but also a deep truth (as cliché's tend to be), that you can't love another person very well if you don't love yourself.
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Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
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Relationships are most likely to fail when we don't address problems or hold our partner accountable for unfair or irresponsible behavior ... the ability to clarify our values, beliefs, and life goals--and then to keep our behavior congruent with them--is at the heart of a solid marriage.
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Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.
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Men are often (though not always) the pursuers for sex, just like women are often (though not always) the pursuers for conversation.
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Anxiety is extremely contagious, but so is calm.
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Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person.
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Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness.
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