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If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first.

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner
Failure
Relationship
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Recipes
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Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person.
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Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful.
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There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. There is no adequate apology for the ongoing horrific legacy of racism.
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Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self.
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We will be in tune with our bodies only if we truly love and honor them. We can't be in good communication with the enemy.
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Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
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The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them.
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Relationships are most likely to fail when we don't address problems or hold our partner accountable for unfair or irresponsible behavior ... the ability to clarify our values, beliefs, and life goals--and then to keep our behavior congruent with them--is at the heart of a solid marriage.
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Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness.
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Women are raised to be the nurturers and steadiers of rocked boats, to hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it. But it shores up your own dignity and integrity if you're able to say, There are a million things I love about you, and I want our relationship to continue. I forgive you 95 percent, but not this 5 percent.
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Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
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It's a cliché, but also a deep truth (as cliché's tend to be), that you can't love another person very well if you don't love yourself.
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We all fear change, even as we seek it.
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Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.
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Differences don’t just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us.
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deception and 'con games' are a way of life in all species and throughout nature. Organisms that do not improve their ability to deceive - and to detect deception - are less apt to survive.
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What initially attracts us and what later becomes 'the problem' are usually one and the same.
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Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.
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Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.
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Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.
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