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Wherever you find a wife and mother-in-law slugging it out, you'll find a son who's not speaking up to either his mother or his wife.

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner
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More quotes by Harriet Lerner

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I'm a good example of wanting to apologize only for my precise share of a problem--as I calculate it, of course--and I expect my husband Steve to apologize for his share, also as I calculate it. Since we're not always of one mind on the math, it can lead to the theater of the absurd.
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Men are often (though not always) the pursuers for sex, just like women are often (though not always) the pursuers for conversation.
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Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice.
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The term girl not only serves to avoid certain anxiety-arousing connotations inherent in the word woman regarding aggression, sexuality, and reproduction, it also serves to impart a tone of frivolousness and lack of seriousness to ambitious, intellectual, and competitive striving that women may pursue.
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Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.
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It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.
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Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self.
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Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.
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Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.
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If what we are doing with our anger is not achieving the desired result, it would seem logical to try something different.
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The first world we find ourselves in is a family that is not of our choosing.
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The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don't want to.
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The bolder and more courageous you are, the more you will learn about yourself.
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Women are raised to be the nurturers and steadiers of rocked boats, to hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it. But it shores up your own dignity and integrity if you're able to say, There are a million things I love about you, and I want our relationship to continue. I forgive you 95 percent, but not this 5 percent.
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Anxiety is extremely contagious, but so is calm.
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The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them.
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Often when someone apologizes - like a parent who says to a child, I'm very sorry I neglected you when you were a kid - they also ask, Do you forgive me?, because they want the other person to be over it. However, healing can take a great deal of time. And if we forgive too quickly, we cut the process short.
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Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
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What initially attracts us and what later becomes 'the problem' are usually one and the same.
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Although it's not useful to drown in despair, it's also not useful to keep a 'positive attitude' when this means concealing or denying real emotions.
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