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Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner
Others
Self
Really
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More quotes by Harriet Lerner

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The first world we find ourselves in is a family that is not of our choosing.
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We all fear change, even as we seek it.
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Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
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We will be in tune with our bodies only if we truly love and honor them. We can't be in good communication with the enemy.
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Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
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If what we are doing with our anger is not achieving the desired result, it would seem logical to try something different.
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Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person.
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Men are often (though not always) the pursuers for sex, just like women are often (though not always) the pursuers for conversation.
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It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.
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Believing that all women should want to be mothers makes about as much sense as believing that all men should want to be engineers.
Harriet Lerner
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Wherever you find a wife and mother-in-law slugging it out, you'll find a son who's not speaking up to either his mother or his wife.
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Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice.
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Differences don’t just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us.
Harriet Lerner
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Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful.
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The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them.
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Self-help books for women are part of a multibillion-dollar industry, sensitively attuned to our insecurities and our purses.
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Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.
Harriet Lerner
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The term girl not only serves to avoid certain anxiety-arousing connotations inherent in the word woman regarding aggression, sexuality, and reproduction, it also serves to impart a tone of frivolousness and lack of seriousness to ambitious, intellectual, and competitive striving that women may pursue.
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Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.
Harriet Lerner
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The happiest people are focused on living their own life (not someone else's) as well as possible.
Harriet Lerner