If I was just allowed to talk and handle the whole thing by myself without the audience interrupting with laughter, the show would be much more interesting. Think about all the time we waste by waiting for them to finish their noise, you know?

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

When you're a person of color in white America, you know white people. You know why you know white people? Because you can't enjoy any kind of entertainment if you are not able to humanize white people. If you watch a film and are like, Oh, this has white people in it? Then I'm not interested, then you can't enjoy anything in America!

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

I'd love for someone to ask me about comedic technique and choices.

It would be cool for someone to ask me about some of the structural choices I make with my albums.

Horse is fine. I'll ride a horse.

Who controls the images? Ultimately, we don't control the images. This is the minimum we're allowed to ask for: we don't get to control most of the media. We fight to have some say in the ways we're represented. At the bare minimum, don't insult us in person. That's all we ask! Let us at least be able to function freely in the world.

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

I'm always kind of in my head thinking.

I don't drink before shows.