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I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.
Groucho Marx
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Groucho Marx
Age: 86 †
Born: 1890
Born: October 2
Died: 1977
Died: August 19
Comedian
Film Actor
Radio Personality
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Manhattan borough
New York City
Julius Henry Marx
Julius Marx
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More quotes by Groucho Marx
Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.
Groucho Marx
Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while
Groucho Marx
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
Groucho Marx
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx
The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.
Groucho Marx
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx
I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.
Groucho Marx
If you were a man, you'd go into business for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time.
Groucho Marx
Any place I hang my head is home.
Groucho Marx
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Groucho Marx
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me. What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself? Sure she could. I just found that out too late.
Groucho Marx
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx
