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If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

Groucho Marx

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Groucho Marx
Age: 86 †
Born: 1890
Born: October 2
Died: 1977
Died: August 19
Comedian
Film Actor
Radio Personality
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Manhattan borough
New York City
Julius Henry Marx
Julius Marx
Stupidity
Ham
Eggs

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Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.
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Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
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Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
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If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.
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Chico: Here's the book, it's a dollar Groucho: Here's a ten, and shoot the change. Chico: I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.
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Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.
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Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
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You're only as young as the woman you feel.
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It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
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This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.
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Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
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Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
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Only if the computers really love each other.
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Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
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Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life
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I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.
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A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
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You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way
Groucho Marx