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I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Groucho Marx

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Groucho Marx
Age: 86 †
Born: 1890
Born: October 2
Died: 1977
Died: August 19
Comedian
Film Actor
Radio Personality
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Manhattan borough
New York City
Julius Henry Marx
Julius Marx
Didn
Going
Thrash
Inch
Inches
Tape
Measure
Within
Lives

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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
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Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
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I hate London when it's not raining.
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Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.
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Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
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If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
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There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
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A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
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If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
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[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
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It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
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Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
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Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication
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If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
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A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.
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I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
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