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I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx
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Groucho Marx
Age: 86 †
Born: 1890
Born: October 2
Died: 1977
Died: August 19
Comedian
Film Actor
Radio Personality
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Manhattan borough
New York City
Julius Henry Marx
Julius Marx
Funny
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Mind
Club
Clubs
Beat
Beats
Humor
Inspiration
Grouches
Head
Joining
More quotes by Groucho Marx
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
Groucho Marx
Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.
Groucho Marx
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication
Groucho Marx
Time wounds all heels.
Groucho Marx
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Groucho Marx
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Groucho Marx
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
Groucho Marx
Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.
Groucho Marx
Only if the computers really love each other.
Groucho Marx
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
Groucho Marx
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
Groucho Marx
