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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Groucho Marx

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Groucho Marx
Age: 86 †
Born: 1890
Born: October 2
Died: 1977
Died: August 19
Comedian
Film Actor
Radio Personality
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Manhattan borough
New York City
Julius Henry Marx
Julius Marx
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More quotes by Groucho Marx

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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx
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Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you. Firefly replies: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.
Groucho Marx
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A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
Groucho Marx
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I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing
Groucho Marx
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx
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I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx
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Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Groucho Marx
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[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Groucho Marx
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He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.
Groucho Marx
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Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
Groucho Marx
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Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
Groucho Marx
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
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Two women at a resort discussed dinner: The food here is lousy, the first noted. You're right! And such small portions!! the second added
Groucho Marx
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This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.
Groucho Marx
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Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
Groucho Marx
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When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, I was just whispering in her mouth
Groucho Marx
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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
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Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.
Groucho Marx