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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx
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Groucho Marx
Age: 86 †
Born: 1890
Born: October 2
Died: 1977
Died: August 19
Comedian
Film Actor
Radio Personality
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Manhattan borough
New York City
Julius Henry Marx
Julius Marx
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More quotes by Groucho Marx
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.
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Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
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A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
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Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication
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The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.
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You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
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Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
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If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
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I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip
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If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.
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Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
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I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
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Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
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I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx