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Animals have two vital functions in today's society to be delicious and to fit well.

Greg Proops

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Greg Proops
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: October 3
Actor
Film Actor
Improviser
Podcaster
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Phoenix
Arizona
Two
Functions
Today
Delicious
Wells
Vital
Well
Fit
Animals
Function
Animal
Society

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I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I'm sorta stuck with this now. It's a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.
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I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.
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I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.
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We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.
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I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.
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You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
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I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.
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My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
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You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!
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I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.
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Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'
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Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.
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In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.
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I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.
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Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.
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Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.
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You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?
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I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.
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I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.
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Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.
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