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You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Think
Haven
Doomsday
Thinking
News
Scenarios
People
Coming
Terrorists
Stop
Experts
Sense
Attack
Thought
Terrorist
Ideas
Putting
Might
Havens

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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
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It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
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Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
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The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
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Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
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Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
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I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
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Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.
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If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
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My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
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You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
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All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.
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The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
Greg Giraldo
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Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
Greg Giraldo
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A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
Greg Giraldo
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Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
Greg Giraldo
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How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
Greg Giraldo
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The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
Greg Giraldo
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The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
Greg Giraldo
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Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Greg Giraldo