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You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Thought
Terrorist
Ideas
Putting
Might
Havens
Doomsday
Think
Haven
Scenarios
Thinking
News
Terrorists
People
Coming
Experts
Stop
Sense
Attack

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How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
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People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
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George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
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When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
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A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
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It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
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A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
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I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
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Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
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We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
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The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
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The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
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You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress.
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The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
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If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
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You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
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Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
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If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
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If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
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