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George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Feels
Gift
Would
Anybody
Like
Married
People
Marriage
Violate
Says
Sanctity
Getting
George
Doe
Bush
Feel
Gay

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You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.
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Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
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My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
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We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
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Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.
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A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
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The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
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Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
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If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
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All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.
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Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.
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Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
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The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
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Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
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The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
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You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
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It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
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People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
Greg Giraldo