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We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Kids
School
Ever
Schools
Need
Damn
Needs
Aren
Think
Worth
Thinking
Maybe
Money

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If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
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I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.
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I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
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The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
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It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
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People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
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All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.
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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
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George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
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The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
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In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story
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Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
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Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.
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My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
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Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
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Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
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The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
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Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
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It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
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The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
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