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When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
Greg Giraldo
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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Avoid
Dog
Disease
Playing
Heard
Euphemism
Thought
Prairie
Best
Diseases
Way
Wow
More quotes by Greg Giraldo
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
Greg Giraldo
Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.
Greg Giraldo
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
Greg Giraldo
Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.
Greg Giraldo
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Greg Giraldo
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
Greg Giraldo
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.
Greg Giraldo
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
Greg Giraldo
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
Greg Giraldo
If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
Greg Giraldo
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
Greg Giraldo
The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
Greg Giraldo
The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
Greg Giraldo
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
Greg Giraldo
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
Greg Giraldo
Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
Greg Giraldo
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
Greg Giraldo
A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
Greg Giraldo
Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
Greg Giraldo
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
Greg Giraldo
