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Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Littles
Succeed
Motivate
Little
Youth
Microsoft
Sometimes
Comedy
Laid
Think
Bits
Gates
Thinking
High
Bill
Life
Suffering
Suffer
Funny
Bills
School
Later

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If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
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Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.
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Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.
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It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
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All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.
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A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
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The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
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You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress.
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The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
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A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
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The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
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I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
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If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
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When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
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The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
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How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
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Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
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We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
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If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
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People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
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