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You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress.

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Waitress
Dresses
Comedy
Funny
Men
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More quotes by Greg Giraldo

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George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
Greg Giraldo
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You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.
Greg Giraldo
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The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
Greg Giraldo
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A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
Greg Giraldo
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My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
Greg Giraldo
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The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
Greg Giraldo
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I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
Greg Giraldo
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The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
Greg Giraldo
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Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.
Greg Giraldo
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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
Greg Giraldo
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It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
Greg Giraldo
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The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
Greg Giraldo
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Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
Greg Giraldo
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Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
Greg Giraldo
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Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
Greg Giraldo
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We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
Greg Giraldo
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If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
Greg Giraldo
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Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
Greg Giraldo
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When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
Greg Giraldo
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How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
Greg Giraldo