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Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
Funny
Gotten
Everyone
Proportion
Used
Stopped
Even
Cards
Blown
Years
Ridiculous
Valentine
Way
Sex
Card
Like
Wife
Girlfriend
Happy
Grandmother

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The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
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The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
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The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
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You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.
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If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
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You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress.
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How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
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A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
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When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
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It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
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A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
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Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
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All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.
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Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
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George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
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You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
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If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
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My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
Greg Giraldo
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Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
Greg Giraldo