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If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

Greg Giraldo

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Greg Giraldo
Age: 44 †
Born: 1965
Born: December 10
Died: 2010
Died: September 29
Actor
Comedian
Lawyer
Stand-Up Comedian
The Bronx
New York City
Gregory C. Giraldo
American
Weigh
Going
Excess
Pounds
Shouldn
Capitalism
Career
Ranting
Careers
Excesses
Probably
Dedicate

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When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
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Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
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How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
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In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story
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The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
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The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
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Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.
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George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
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Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.
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It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
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A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
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If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.
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The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
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You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.
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Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
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You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress.
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If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
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Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
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