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If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Greg Fitzsimmons

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Greg Fitzsimmons
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: April 5
Comedian
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Producer
New York City
New York
Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons
Penises
Guys
Small
Guy
Find
Dealership
Hummer

More quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons

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They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.
Greg Fitzsimmons